Dear Sugar: Jamie Ivey, on Adoption, Race, Nosy Strangers, and Doing It All

Dear Sugar,

I'm just a *tad* obsessed with today's guest.  Jamie Ivey is a mom-by-adoption and birth, a speaker and writer, a podcast hostess (with the mostest---couldn't help myself!), wife, and woman of faith.  Her commitment to hospitality, loving Jesus and people, and empowering fellow women is incredibly inspiring.  Let's get at it:     

Rachel:  GIRL!  You do so many things.  You have a fabulous podcast called The Happy Hour, you write, you speak, you travel, and you host incredible female-empowering events.  Oh, and you're a wife and mom by birth and adoption.  Many of us are like you in that we have a career, a family, and passions and talents.  And we feel SO much pressure to do it all.   Do you have a secret you can share with us?  I mean really, how do you do it:  keep up with your kids, keep your marriage hot, and still pursue your career?   

Jamie:  I’m most certain that there’s no secret sauce to doing it all. In fact, I’m also most certain that there is no such thing as doing it all! A few years ago I took an inventory of all the things I was saying yes to, and it was overwhelming. I was saying yes to lots of things, but not doing any of them well. I decided then that for the next year I would only say yes to things that were under 4 certain categories. It was a great indicator of how sometimes we have to say no to things so that we can do well the things we do say yes to.

I’m also intentional with the things that matter the most to me – my people. I will always choose a family night at home over a PTA meeting. I will always choose a date night with my man over an early bedtime. I will always choose watching my kids do their thing at school over a girl’s night out. So in reality I don’t do it all, I just really try and focus on the things that matter to me.

The myth is that anyone can do it all. There’s no such thing. I always say that when I’m mothering my kids, or out on a date tending to my marriage I am not working in that moment. When I’m on the road working, or at an event for my podcast I’m not mothering in that moment. Whatever moment I’m in, I focus on doing that the best that I can. Most days from 4-9 it’s all about mothering, and from 8-3 all about working. (Key word there is “most” – I’m still learning this too friends!)

Rachel:  At least once a week, a random stranger stops me and my four babies in the store, at the park, etc. to ask a question about adoption.  Your family's story, like mine, includes transracial adoption, and transracial adoption is not only obvious, but also fascinating to the public.  Now that your children are older, do they answer strangers' questions?  Do they prefer you answer?  How do you handle the occasional interrogation?  What do you think families new to adoption should consider before responding to strangers?  (Like, what do you wish you knew THEN that you know now?)   

Jamie:  When my kids were younger I used to take offense to any question about how my family looked different. Now I am much more interested in sharing the beauty of our family than being offended these days. Most people don’t ask questions in front of my kids anymore since they realize that my kids are old enough to answer. As a family we talk about these questions as they come towards me, and even role play some in how to answer questions that might come from friends and their parents.

My advice to parents who are just beginning this journey into their family that is formed different than most families, and looks different than those around you, is to always look for ways that you can speak positive messages about your family and educate while doing so. For example, when someone asks me if I know my kids real mom I simply answer this way, Oh yes, we do know his birth mom, and have a great relationship with her. You see, I didn’t make them feel stupid, and I didn’t get offended when they assumed I wasn’t his real mom, but yet I answered in a positive way, and educated the person along the way. 

Rachel:  When I was onThe Happy Hour podcast, we talked about raising our kids and their privacy, especially for adoptees.  Now that your kids are a bit older, what do you see as the pros and cons of sharing your children with the world via social media: either a story, a picture, or both?  What rules or guidelines do you have in place so that you are respectful of your kids while still being open with your readers?

Jamie:  When my kids were younger I shared all the stories – potty training, first rides on a train, sick in the middle of the night, first day of kindergarten, all of the things! Now that my kids are older and have an opinion on such things I share a lot less with the world. Most times if you see a photo of one of my kids on social media, I have asked them if I could share that photo and/or that particular story. Sharing my family with the world has been such a positive thing. It’s a great way for people to see a normal family that just looks different than they may be used to. It helps people see adoption in a positive light as well.  I now look at things through this lens – would it be okay for my kids to see this photo of them, or read this caption about them in 10 years? If it’s a no, then I don’t post. If it’s a yes, then go right ahead.

Rachel:  Let's talk about being a woman of faith and today's political and racial climate.  Personally, and I know some of my readers feel the same, I feel stuck and frustrated. There are so many people who are not WOKE to the realities people of color, women, immigrants, people with special needs, etc. face.  And sadly, many of those who turn a blind eye are fellow Christians who are in positions of political power.  Because of this, I think many who aren't Christians tend to turn away from even considering the redemptive love of Jesus.  Those of us who GET IT are working extra hard to show the world that we DO care and that ALL people matter to Jesus.  Where do you stand on this?  What insight or encouragement can you offer those who are WOKE women of faith and are struggling today? 

For all of you women that are WOKE, keep it up! I think one of the biggest hinderances we can feel is that our reach isn’t big enough, or our influence isn’t wide enough, or our followers aren’t grand enough and therefore we won’t make a difference with what we are saying. I say that is a lie. For many generations before us they made huge impacts with the gospel and the love of Jesus and not a one of them had an Instagram account, or email list of thousands.

We need to be women who are tending to the people that God has put in front of us. For most of us, that’s the people in our homes – whether that be children, parents, or roommates. For some of us, it’s the online community that listens to our voice, and for the even less of us, it’s the audiences that listen to our voices at events.

The lie that will soften your voice is that no one is listening to you. Friends, you have people listening to you, so tell them what you know to be truth about the gospel and God’s love for them. Then they will tell and the ripple effect will be massive.

Don’t let the lie of “I have no one listening” to cause you to be ineffective. God has given you a voice, use it for his truths, and speak those to the people around you.

Rachel:  You have a book coming out in January.  Can you give us a sneak preview?  (I cannot wait to read it, and I don't even know what it's about!)  What can we expect from a book by Jamie Ivey?  

Jamie:  Ah, yes my book! It still seems super surreal to type those words – my book. IF YOU ONLY KNEW releases in January of 2018 and I’m beyond excited to share this story with anyone that will read it! For many years, I was scared and ashamed to admit how much I had struggled in the past. I made bad choices, turned my back on God, and then when I finally gave my life to Him, I worried that I was too much of a mess to be used by Him. Finally, I began believing what He said about me, and it changed my whole life. That’s what this book is about!

I’m excited about this message, and it is humbling that I get to put a book out with my words inside of it and my name on the cover. I still think I’ll believe it when I see it on the shelves of the bookstore! So, go buy it so I know it’s really happening!! ;)

Dear Sugar: Your Burning Open Adoption Questions

Dear Sugar,

Today's focus is on open adoption.  We have four children, all of whom have open adoptions with their birth families.  Each relationship is different, each experience is different, each dynamic is different.  Now, let's get to those questions!  

Photo of one of my kiddos kissing her bio brother on the cheek, many years ago.  So precious! 

Q:  Our child's birth parents have cancelled several visits last-minute, and I'm tired, frustrated, and confused.  What do we do about this?

A:  I believe in keeping your promises, but I also believe that your #1 job is to protect your child. With that said, if the cancellations are disruptive to your child (emotionally), perhaps it's time to stop scheduling visits for a season.  However, a difficult season is not your permission slip to bail on the relationship.  

Q:  We're getting ready to begin our adoption journey, and we don't know what to promise in terms of openness.  I mean, we haven't even met our future child or his/her family yet!  Our agency is pushing us toward more openness, but we just aren't sure. 

A:  I believe in short-term promises.  Meaning, don't promise a visit once a year until the child is eighteen.  Why?  Because the CHILD will eventually have (and should have) say so in the openness. Now, I believe in a COMMITMENT to open adoption, but I don't believe in making concrete guarantees beyond the short-term.  I also believe in letting the relationship develop organically and over time.

Q:  What does open adoption require of the parents? 

A:  Grace, empathy, honesty, flexibility, and commitment.  Open adoption is NOT easy; it has both its joys and challenges.  Open adoption is an ARC and not a marathon.   Also, open adoption isn't for every person and every adoption.  That's OK.  Just because open adoption is popular (and pushed upon birth and adoptive families by adoption agencies and attorneys), doesn't mean it is the correct avenue for every person.    

Q:  Doesn't open adoption confuse the child?

A:  Not in my experience.  Lots of kids have family dynamics that aren't the "norm" (a mom, a dad, who are married, and bio siblings, all living under the same roof), and it's not confusing as long as parents are open and honest.  There are some great children's books that explain family dynamics which can help you explain to your child what his or her family is like.   

Q:  I think we should choose open adoption, my partner doesn't.  How do we decide what to do? 

A:  I think it's SO difficult to say what's best when have yet to meet your future child and his or her family.  Choosing open adoption before adopting is almost like that TV show Married at First Sight.  You make a life-long promise to someone who is a stranger?  That said, I do think your job right now is to get educated.   If you sign up for my e-newsletter, you'll be sent a free e-book that explains why education is critical!   Learn all you can about open adoption prior to adopting so when you are presented the opportunity to adopt a child, you can make your decisions out of education and not ignorance.   

What are your thoughts on open adoption?  Let's chat on Facebook. 

Dear Sugar: Meet Michelle Madrid-Branch, Adoptee, Mom-by-Adoption, and Author

Dear Sugar:

One of my favorite people in the adoption community is Michelle Madrid-Branch. She's an international adoptee, a mom-by-adoption, and an author, among other things.  I have learned so much from her, and I think you will to!  

Rachel: Michelle, you have a dual connection to adoption.  You're an adoptee and you're a mom-by-adoption.  How has each connection helped you define and understand adoption?  

As an adoptee, adoption has defined so much of who I am as a person. From my earliest beginnings, I have lived within the skin of being an international adoptee. I've journeyed to uncover the truths of my own adoption in order to become whole. As a mom-by-adoption, I've been able to understand the deep blessing of delivering a child in this way. Both experiences have aided me in understanding the profound gain and profound grief of adoption, and I've learned three key lessons: 

Adoption is not a one-sided experience. It impacts everyone involved. Open and honest communication is so very essential. Expect differing perspectives. Respect them all. 

Grief is real for the adoptee. I didn't grieve out-loud for much of my growing up years. I kept my emotions hidden inside because I was afraid. Love seemed conditional on my being a happy, perfect adopted girl. As beautiful as adoption can be, there is an ocean of grief involved. That grief must be safely explored, heard and validated. 

Identity is the adoptee's to claim. An adoptee deserves to claim their true identity, and not one that is imposed upon them. Plain and simple, support adoptees in their journey to know who they are, on their terms and in their time. 

Rachel:  Your social media and your blog seem to be deeply rooted in honesty and joy.  Can you tell me what your main goal or purpose is when you write a book or blog post? What do you want the world to know about adoption? 

Michelle:  I want the world to understand that the adoption community has much to share. We are resilient, inclusive, proud, and no longer willing to stand in the shadows. I want the world to understand that there is a love that knows no borders and that adoption is the living, breathing blueprint of this kind of love. I want the world to understand that honesty is healing. And, that joy is possible — no matter what life has thrown in your path. Your story is your power. Use it well. 

Rachel:  For those who are hoping to adopt, what is one piece of advice, encouragement, or wisdom you can provide based on your experiences?

Michelle:  When they ask about their adoption, stop everything and focus on them. Don't brush it off, don't let the moment slip away. Adoptees of all ages need to feel seen and heard. 

Rachel:  What are three things you are loving right now? 

Michelle:  1) I'm an equestrian. I ride english saddle and enjoy jumping in the arena. My horse, Sir Cadbury, teaches me so much about balance and being in the moment. It's a beautiful gift!

2) Along that note, I feel really blessed that my 7-year old daughter is an equestrian, too. Nothing fills me with more joy than when we are together in the arena. 

3) Laughter! We are a family that laughs...a lot. I love the sounds of our laughter. I'll never stop loving that!

Dear Sugar: A Letter to My Boobs During Breast Cancer Awareness Month

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  Today I'm sharing my very recent journey.

Dear Boobs:

Ali Cummins Photography

I used to want you so bad.  It started in the third grade.  I heard a few girls on the playground gushing over a girl named Jessica.  Why?  They caught a glimpse of, wait for it....a bra strap.  Jessica was one of the cool girls with naturally gorgeous blonde hair (long and flowy, like a Disney princess), an on-trend wardrobe, and now, developing breasts. 

Around this same time, Judy Blume’s book Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret was becoming increasingly popular among girls my age, especially the section where the protagonist did a pectoral exercise while chanting, “I must, I must, I must increase my bust.”   

Boobs were it. If a girl possessed breasts (no matter how small), she possessed prestige, admiration, and maturity:  three things I desperately strived for. 

The next year at my January birthday party, my mom was creative.  Though it was frigid outside, we had a beach-themed party.   My friends and I wore our swimsuits, we had a cake that looked like an island, we made seashell necklaces, and we listened to my dad’s Beach Boys records.   

Before I headed down the carpeted steps to greet my first guest, I folded the swimsuit's shelf-bra liner up a few times to create (I thought) the appearance of curves.  Of course instead it just looked like wadded-up fabric (which was exactly what it was). 

Despite my efforts, even insisting that my mom buy me a lacy, pearl embellished training bra at JCPenney, long before I needed one, you refused to make your debut until I was well into the eighth grade.  Even then, you were nothing impressive.  I was long, lean, and awkward with zero athletic ability.  And you started to emerge (and it took all of high school for this cycle to be complete), my desire for you was replaced with the next milestone:  starting my period.   I didn’t appreciate you as I should have, even when I went from an A cup to a (pushing it) B cup.  

You managed to look OK enough through college and even in my Maggie Sottero two-piece wedding dress.  The corset top still required sewed-in push up pads, but you showed up well enough.   For four years, I enjoyed married life with confidence in my body, eventually joining a gym and relishing in building muscle while gossiping with girlfriends and half-assing it in step class. 

During this season, I found a breast lump, and persisted on having it examined and later extracted.  It was nothing but a non-cancerous mass.  At the time I was terrified, but I managed to handle it and move on.  

Then 2004 happened.  I was in graduate school, teaching writing to college freshman (who were just four years younger than me), and ended up getting a weird stomach virus.  That's a long story, but a year-and-half later, after over twenty medical appointments with five medical professionals, I wound up in the ER in Diabetic Ketoacidosis.  I finally had a diagnoses:  type 1 diabetes.   I was very fortunate to be alive.

I then began gaining back all the weight (and then some) that I had lost when my body went toxic.   Gaining weight meant gaining something I never really had before:  breasts!  Like real ones that looked ah-mazing in V-neck tops and swimsuit tops.  Diabetes sucked, but at least I got a few perks, including C-cup breasts.  

After the diabetes diagnosis, that's when I knew we would adopt.  My body had been through hell.  I wasn't willing to risk going down that path again, nor was I going to put a baby through that.   Adoption was the right choice for us.  

We had two children through adoption by 2011 when another knot appeared.  Another surgery, biopsy, and declaration that though it was a mass, it wasn’t cancerous.   In the clear.     

Breast ultrasounds and examinations by doctors became my norm.   I came to not only expect extra steps to be taken, but for the news to be good.   I almost felt like a professional.   Here I had experienced not only two breast lumps but a traumatic diagnosis and incredible survival story.   Surely I had enough things go wrong that from then on, everything would go right.   How could it not?

Six more years, two more children.  One of whom I had a nursing relationship with.   

Then this April...I figured my "extremely dense breasts" were throwing me another curve ball.  I figured the new lump was normal.  It wasn't.  

Breast cancer does not discriminate.  It does not care what color someone's skin is, how old she is, or even her history.  It does not care if someone has all or none of the "risk factors" we women hear so much about.  

It chose me.  It appeared, swiftly and angerly.  I do not know why.  I have been over it a thousand times.  Was it something I did?  Is it just because my body is whacked out?  Is it just the fact that one in eight women get breast cancer, and I was that "one"?  Why?  Why me?   Why after one disease did a second one arrive?

I could have preserved you, I was told.  I could have chosen a lumpectomy and six weeks of radiation.  But there was a possibility that I'd need to later do a mastectomy anyway.  That the cancer would come back, sneakily, in the opposite breast.  

I had a choice, certainly, but my goal was to give myself the best chance of not only survival, but for a life with less anxiety and doubt.  I needed peace, reassurance, and odds in my favor.  

So I chose to let you go. 

I gave you some good, hard looks.  I committed you to memory.   I hugged my kids and my husband a little tighter against you.   I realized you were JUST boobs but you were still boobs:  your importance and status instilled in me since childhood.  

On the day of my surgery, I was both nervous and confident.  I could do this.  I could do anything in Christ who gives me strength.  This wasn't an ending, but a second-chance, a powerful beginning.  

It's been a long month-and-a-half since the surgery.  I look down at you.  You are new and foreign, different and present, artificial and yet MINE.  You were purchased and chosen.  You are strange.

I do not regret my decision to bid the original you farewell.  It was the right and best choice.  Recovery has been tumultuous, a never-ending roller coaster of physical and emotional and mental and spiritual ups and downs.  And I have a feeling that recovery isn't just a season of physical healing, but a forever-state of remembering and considering.  Losing you left me scarred, physically and emotionally.  

But losing you also meant potentially saving my life.

   

I am sorry we couldn't be together forever, or at least longer. I miss you, though I'll be honest that most days I don't think too much about you.   My personality of "go big or go home" helped me decide to tell you goodbye and move forward.

I know I'll never be completely over you.  Cancer changes a person, inevitably and irrevocably.   Not having you is a constant reminder of what was, but I refuse to live steeped in regret and shame.  

My journey has been one of learning and listening.  Every time bad news arrived, I felt a new wave of spiritual warfare come over me.  But this time when I was told that having cancer meant possibly saying goodbye to you, I thought to myself, this isn't my first rodeo.  I've faced hard and scary times before, and every time I emerged victorious, stronger, and more confident.  

Cancer disrupted my life.  But it didn't defeat me.  My story, my journey, it continues.  And I have you to both blame and thank.   I have memories and a future.  I have hope.

Dear Sugar: Meet Dr. John DeGarmo, Foster Care Expert

Dear Sugar:

Let's just say this upfront.  I absolutely admire and respect foster parents.  They have one of the toughest jobs: advocating for children, (sometimes) fighting a broken system, and dealing with ever-changing rules and plans. That's why today, I wanted to bring you some foster care wisdom from Dr. John DeGarmo, a foster parent and fostering advocate.  

Rachel:  Dr. John, you seem to do it ALL!   So my first question for you is, why?  Why make it your mission to educate others on foster care and adoption?  

Dr. John:  Before I was a foster parent, I held many of the same misconceptions that most in society have about all things foster care today.  Indeed, as the media continues to focus on the many negative stories about foster care, foster parents, and children in foster care, these misconceptions and negative stereotypes only increase.  I feel called to not only help children in foster care and foster parents, but also to help general society better understand the foster care system, as well as the many challenges children in care face on a daily basis, in a better fashion.

Rachel:  You and your wife have fostered many children.  I'm sure one thing you hear often (I do!) is that some people claim they could "never foster" because it would just be too hard.  I know some foster parents find this offensive.  I'd love to know how you respond when someone says this to you.  

Dr. John:  My response is this; “That’s a good thing. It is supposed to hurt. My heart is supposed to break! These children need me to hurt for them. To be sure, children in foster care need stability and they need security. Yet, what they need the most is to be loved. As foster parents, we might the first adults who have ever loved the child in a healthy and unconditional fashion. Sadly, for some children, we may be the only adults who will ever love the child in this fashion, in an unconditional manner. So, when the child leaves our home and our family, our hearts should break. We should experience feelings of grief and loss. After all, we have given all of our hearts and love to a child in need.  Oh, and I do cry each time these children leave my home. I do grieve, as my heart is indeed broken. 

Rachel:  What are three things you would tell any person considering becoming a foster parent?  

Dr. John:  Before becoming a foster parent, one must determine if one's spouse/partner also wishes to care for children in need in the home.  If both in a relationship are not in agreement, marriages can be destroyed. Second, one must determine if she has a strong support system of some kind. Whether it is a church, family members, work mates, friends, or neighbors, foster parents need to surround themselves with people who will help and support them.  Finally, be aware that foster parenting can be exhausting, and may lead to emotional burn out.  It is important to take time for oneself as a foster parent as you care for children in need.

Rachel:  Oftentimes, I hear those who wish to adopt express that they'll "just go through the system" because it's a "cheaper" way to become a parent vs. adopting an infant domestically though an adoption agency.   This deeply troubles me because they clearly do not understand the goal of foster care and the trauma that many children in care have been through.   How do you respond to those who just want to adopt as quickly and cheaply as possible?   

Dr. John:  When a child is placed into foster care, the initial goal is to have the child reunified with his birth parents, or a member of his biological family. To be sure, the initial intent of placing a child into care is that the placement be a temporary, with reunification the main objective. Yet, there are those instances when reunification is not possible, and the child is placed through the court system for adoption. There are several reasons why a foster child might be placed up for adoption.  First, the custody rights of the birth parents are voluntarily terminated; secondly, the custody rights of the birth parents are terminated by a court order; and third, the child is up for adoption due to the death of birth parents. 

Rachel: Finish this sentence:  Being a foster parent means ______.

Dr. John: Being a foster parent for me has created a sense of urgency within me to make a difference in the lives of those in need.

Dear Sugar: What to Include in Updates to your Child's Birth Family

Dear Sugar:

You sit down at your computer to type an update to your child's birth family and you wind up looking at a blank screen for several minutes, even hours.   Then perhaps you shut down the laptop, go get some ice cream (because that makes everyone feel better), and vow to try again tomorrow.  Yet the cycle repeats itself.  WHAT IN THE WORLD DO I WRITE?, you ask yourself.  

Most domestic infant adoptions these days have some level of openness, and this openness often includes what we call "updates."  An update is pretty self-explanatory.   Doesn't it sound hopeful and reasonable?  But for someone who isn't a writer (or talker or sharer) by nature, updates can be daunting.   So today, I'm here to help!

If you're new to the WSBS community, here's a quick summary of our family.  We've been in the adoption community for a decade.  We have four children, all adopted domestically and at birth, and all of the adoptions are open.  So that means four kids, four open adoptions, and yes, four updates to be written at once!  (I like to send updates at the same time in order to stay consistent and organized). 

Here are some things to include in updates:

• the child's growth, which may include his or her height, weight, size in clothing.  This is especially true of infants who grow rapidly!  
• favorites.  What does the child most enjoy?  Include foods, activities, even specifics like books or tv shows or songs.    
• dislikes.  What drives the child bonkers?  Again, include foods, activities, etc.
• milestones and firsts.  What new accomplishments have occurred since your last update?  First tooth?  First trip to the beach?  First word?  
• medical info.  Did your child have a cold last month?   What about that first broken bone after a bike incident?  How did he or she bounce back?   
• family fun.  Did you take your child on vacation?  What about a weekend visit to Grandma and Grandpa's?  Maybe on Friday nights, your new tradition is popcorn-and-movie nights in your pjs.   
• personality.  Is your child serious or silly?  Does he or she have a certain "look" given to strangers or to a silly aunt? What makes your kiddo special and awesome?  
• holidays and celebrations.  Talk about things like baking sugar cookies together, decorating the Christmas tree, that epic Easter egg hunt with the cousins.  
• funny or sweet quotes.  Have a talker?  Share something funny or sweet the child said.  
• changes.  Is your daughter no longer into Doc McStuffins, but is now on a Nella the Princess Knight kick?  Are the twins trying to potty train?   
• hopes.  What are you looking forward to in the coming month?  A scheduled trip to the zoo?  A certain holiday celebration?  School starting?  

Some have asked me, but shouldn't I ONLY share the "good stuff"? I don't want the birth parents thinking there's something wrong with us (as parents) or the child.   The answer is no!  No you shouldn't just include the "good stuff."  Your child is a human being with likes and dislikes and quirks and flaws.   Illness happens.   Tantrums happen (oh help me, Jesus, with ages 2-4).   

How often should you send an update (however you choose to send it)?   That's really between you and the birth family.  Though infants change SO rapidly, that I think sending updates more frequently in the beginning is perfectly reasonable.   It can also be reassuring and healing for both you and the birth family to update frequently at the beginning of the post-placement relationship.  

Join me on Facebook to discuss adoption updates.  What do you include?  What are you struggling with when it comes to post-placement relationships?  

Dear Sugar: Burning Domestic Infant Adoption Questions

Dear Sugar:

One thing you may not know about my family is that we set out to adoption internationally (Guatemala) first, and our agency warned us the program was going to close soon.  So we then moved on to considering foster care-adoption.   A couple of families from our church had gone that route; however, after many heart-to-heart conversations, we decided not to continue down that path.  We then had two women volunteer to be surrogates for us, to which we decided we weren't interested in building our family that way.  Domestic infant adoption was the last consideration on our list, and here we are, ten years later, having adopted four times via DIA.  
Today I want to answer the DIA questions (and hopefully helpful answers) I'm asked the most.   Let's get started!  

Q:  One reason I'm leaning toward international adoption is because we do not want an ongoing relationship with our child's birth family.  It seems like everyone who adopts domestically is talked or coaxed in to open adoption.  Is it wrong of me to not want to spend a lifetime sharing my child with his or her birth family?  

A:  I facilitate a local adoption support group of 425 women who represent different triad members. Many of these mamas have adopted internationally.  As their children grow up and express interest in learning more about/locating their birth family, the international mamas-by-adoption have faced struggles.  Some of them have no information on their children's birth families (and their child's medical history) which can be emotionally problematic (and physically problematic when it comes to medical situations).   

Now, there is no "right" or perfect adoption route to take.  Every avenue AND every adoption has its pros/cons, joys/struggles. However, you are correct to assume that open adoptions among international adoptees and their birth families are much more rare than in domestic infant adoption.

It sounds like the fear is coming from you, the hopeful parent.  I understand open adoption can be BIG and scary and intimidating.  I also understand that you feel you do not want to "share" your child with his or her birth family, because it's likely you don't have much education on open adoption (so you create scenarios and feelings in your mind).  However, open adoption is a spectrum and the adoption isn't all about you and your needs, fears, and desires; the adoption is about the child. If you opt out of domestic infant adoption simply out of fear, there's a lot going on there besides just avoiding open adoption.   

I suggest you learn as much as you can from adoptees before choosing an adoption route and a level of openness.   And as far as not wanting a lifetime of sharing your child, your child's beginning will always be with his/her birth family, and no adoption route you take can change that.  

Q:  Why does DIA cost SO much?

A:  DIA can cost a small fortune, yes.  But there are also those of us who adopt using small, ethical agencies that operate as a ministry and not as a business.  What do I mean by this?  Of course the adoption cannot be free since agencies (even small ones) have to pay rent and qualified employees, but they do things like not operate a super fancy website, not hire social media managers, not charge families "advertising" and "marketing" fees, not offer posh maternity homes for expectant mothers, etc.  Does this mean you may wait longer for a child than if you paid more and used a "big" agency?  Sure.  But what matters most?  ETHICS!   Now not all "small" agencies are ethical, and yes, big agencies CAN be ethical. There are reasonable fees, and then there is "fluff."  Does "fluff" mean there are placements?  Sure.  But to me, the more "bare bones" the agency is, the more room there is for ethics (because there's less getting in the way).   (What does ethics mean in adoption?  Find out more here.)


Q:  I REALLY want to adopt a little boy.  Yet I feel a slight sense of guilt for having a preference.  Our agency says it's up to us.  Is it OK to be selective about gender?

I wrote about this awhile back, and I stand by it.  I'm opinionated on this matter.  But it's YOUR adoption journey, not mine.  We have never said we would only adopt a boy or a girl.   We are a big, happy family, with three daughters and one son.  I wouldn't change a thing!  

Q:  I'm considering trying to find a match on my own vs. using an agency.  I've read that some hopeful parents opt to market via social media.  Have you tried this?

A:  No, I haven't, and let me tell you why.  1: I'm not willing to put my personal information in public spaces, accessible to anyone.  2: I like the security of having an agency involved, a third party, for the long-haul.  (A good agency will be available for the long haul:  pre, during, and post placement, and not just for you and the birth family, but also for the adoptee.)  3: I am not interested in being both hopeful parent and the expectant parent's social worker/counselor.  That is unethical and it's not healthy.  (Now some choose to hire a third party, a counselor.) 

Now I know many who have gone the independent route and have adopted.  That's their choice and their journey.  I'm merely sharing my reasons for not opting to go that route.   

Let's chat about DIA on Facebook.  What other questions do you have?  What would you add to the answers I provided here?