Dear Sugar: What to Include in Updates to your Child's Birth Family

Dear Sugar:

You sit down at your computer to type an update to your child's birth family and you wind up looking at a blank screen for several minutes, even hours.   Then perhaps you shut down the laptop, go get some ice cream (because that makes everyone feel better), and vow to try again tomorrow.  Yet the cycle repeats itself.  WHAT IN THE WORLD DO I WRITE?, you ask yourself.  

Most domestic infant adoptions these days have some level of openness, and this openness often includes what we call "updates."  An update is pretty self-explanatory.   Doesn't it sound hopeful and reasonable?  But for someone who isn't a writer (or talker or sharer) by nature, updates can be daunting.   So today, I'm here to help!

If you're new to the WSBS community, here's a quick summary of our family.  We've been in the adoption community for a decade.  We have four children, all adopted domestically and at birth, and all of the adoptions are open.  So that means four kids, four open adoptions, and yes, four updates to be written at once!  (I like to send updates at the same time in order to stay consistent and organized). 

Here are some things to include in updates:

• the child's growth, which may include his or her height, weight, size in clothing.  This is especially true of infants who grow rapidly!  
• favorites.  What does the child most enjoy?  Include foods, activities, even specifics like books or tv shows or songs.    
• dislikes.  What drives the child bonkers?  Again, include foods, activities, etc.
• milestones and firsts.  What new accomplishments have occurred since your last update?  First tooth?  First trip to the beach?  First word?  
• medical info.  Did your child have a cold last month?   What about that first broken bone after a bike incident?  How did he or she bounce back?   
• family fun.  Did you take your child on vacation?  What about a weekend visit to Grandma and Grandpa's?  Maybe on Friday nights, your new tradition is popcorn-and-movie nights in your pjs.   
• personality.  Is your child serious or silly?  Does he or she have a certain "look" given to strangers or to a silly aunt? What makes your kiddo special and awesome?  
• holidays and celebrations.  Talk about things like baking sugar cookies together, decorating the Christmas tree, that epic Easter egg hunt with the cousins.  
• funny or sweet quotes.  Have a talker?  Share something funny or sweet the child said.  
• changes.  Is your daughter no longer into Doc McStuffins, but is now on a Nella the Princess Knight kick?  Are the twins trying to potty train?   
• hopes.  What are you looking forward to in the coming month?  A scheduled trip to the zoo?  A certain holiday celebration?  School starting?  

Some have asked me, but shouldn't I ONLY share the "good stuff"? I don't want the birth parents thinking there's something wrong with us (as parents) or the child.   The answer is no!  No you shouldn't just include the "good stuff."  Your child is a human being with likes and dislikes and quirks and flaws.   Illness happens.   Tantrums happen (oh help me, Jesus, with ages 2-4).   

How often should you send an update (however you choose to send it)?   That's really between you and the birth family.  Though infants change SO rapidly, that I think sending updates more frequently in the beginning is perfectly reasonable.   It can also be reassuring and healing for both you and the birth family to update frequently at the beginning of the post-placement relationship.  

Join me on Facebook to discuss adoption updates.  What do you include?  What are you struggling with when it comes to post-placement relationships?  

Dear Sugar: Burning Domestic Infant Adoption Questions

Dear Sugar:

One thing you may not know about my family is that we set out to adoption internationally (Guatemala) first, and our agency warned us the program was going to close soon.  So we then moved on to considering foster care-adoption.   A couple of families from our church had gone that route; however, after many heart-to-heart conversations, we decided not to continue down that path.  We then had two women volunteer to be surrogates for us, to which we decided we weren't interested in building our family that way.  Domestic infant adoption was the last consideration on our list, and here we are, ten years later, having adopted four times via DIA.  
Today I want to answer the DIA questions (and hopefully helpful answers) I'm asked the most.   Let's get started!  

Q:  One reason I'm leaning toward international adoption is because we do not want an ongoing relationship with our child's birth family.  It seems like everyone who adopts domestically is talked or coaxed in to open adoption.  Is it wrong of me to not want to spend a lifetime sharing my child with his or her birth family?  

A:  I facilitate a local adoption support group of 425 women who represent different triad members. Many of these mamas have adopted internationally.  As their children grow up and express interest in learning more about/locating their birth family, the international mamas-by-adoption have faced struggles.  Some of them have no information on their children's birth families (and their child's medical history) which can be emotionally problematic (and physically problematic when it comes to medical situations).   

Now, there is no "right" or perfect adoption route to take.  Every avenue AND every adoption has its pros/cons, joys/struggles. However, you are correct to assume that open adoptions among international adoptees and their birth families are much more rare than in domestic infant adoption.

It sounds like the fear is coming from you, the hopeful parent.  I understand open adoption can be BIG and scary and intimidating.  I also understand that you feel you do not want to "share" your child with his or her birth family, because it's likely you don't have much education on open adoption (so you create scenarios and feelings in your mind).  However, open adoption is a spectrum and the adoption isn't all about you and your needs, fears, and desires; the adoption is about the child. If you opt out of domestic infant adoption simply out of fear, there's a lot going on there besides just avoiding open adoption.   

I suggest you learn as much as you can from adoptees before choosing an adoption route and a level of openness.   And as far as not wanting a lifetime of sharing your child, your child's beginning will always be with his/her birth family, and no adoption route you take can change that.  

Q:  Why does DIA cost SO much?

A:  DIA can cost a small fortune, yes.  But there are also those of us who adopt using small, ethical agencies that operate as a ministry and not as a business.  What do I mean by this?  Of course the adoption cannot be free since agencies (even small ones) have to pay rent and qualified employees, but they do things like not operate a super fancy website, not hire social media managers, not charge families "advertising" and "marketing" fees, not offer posh maternity homes for expectant mothers, etc.  Does this mean you may wait longer for a child than if you paid more and used a "big" agency?  Sure.  But what matters most?  ETHICS!   Now not all "small" agencies are ethical, and yes, big agencies CAN be ethical. There are reasonable fees, and then there is "fluff."  Does "fluff" mean there are placements?  Sure.  But to me, the more "bare bones" the agency is, the more room there is for ethics (because there's less getting in the way).   (What does ethics mean in adoption?  Find out more here.)


Q:  I REALLY want to adopt a little boy.  Yet I feel a slight sense of guilt for having a preference.  Our agency says it's up to us.  Is it OK to be selective about gender?

I wrote about this awhile back, and I stand by it.  I'm opinionated on this matter.  But it's YOUR adoption journey, not mine.  We have never said we would only adopt a boy or a girl.   We are a big, happy family, with three daughters and one son.  I wouldn't change a thing!  

Q:  I'm considering trying to find a match on my own vs. using an agency.  I've read that some hopeful parents opt to market via social media.  Have you tried this?

A:  No, I haven't, and let me tell you why.  1: I'm not willing to put my personal information in public spaces, accessible to anyone.  2: I like the security of having an agency involved, a third party, for the long-haul.  (A good agency will be available for the long haul:  pre, during, and post placement, and not just for you and the birth family, but also for the adoptee.)  3: I am not interested in being both hopeful parent and the expectant parent's social worker/counselor.  That is unethical and it's not healthy.  (Now some choose to hire a third party, a counselor.) 

Now I know many who have gone the independent route and have adopted.  That's their choice and their journey.  I'm merely sharing my reasons for not opting to go that route.   

Let's chat about DIA on Facebook.  What other questions do you have?  What would you add to the answers I provided here?  

Dear Sugar: Meet Jill Murphy, Mom by Birth and Adoption

Dear Sugar,

A few years ago I "met" Jill Murphy online.  Soon after, she published her memoir Finding Motherhood, and I was blown away.  Jill placed a son for adoption, then later faced infertility which led her to choosing to adoption two girls internationally. Her story is one that offers us a unique perspective of mothering, loving, mourning, and rejoicing.  

Rachel:  You have a unique connection in that you're a birth mother and a mom-by-adoption.  What have these two experiences and ways of mothering taught you about adoption?  

Jill:  It is a unique situation. It has taught me that there are different ways of becoming a mother. And that falling in love with a child may take time. With my birth son I always loved him. That strong love I had for him help me know that he needed more than I could give at the young age of 18. It was a love that put his needs before my wants. Once we were reunited, I fell in love with him - it was like meeting a stranger and developing the love you feel after you get to know someone. Confusing I know! My daughters I feel as tho I fell in love the minute I saw their picture from the adoption agency and got to hold them in my arms. I would say the one beautiful gift I received with being on both sides of adoption is understanding it better. I am a birth mom of my son - but he has his real mom - I respect that and honor that 100%. I thought of him every day  of his life...wondering how he was and hoping nothing but love and happiness. That made it easy when my daughter asked "I wonder if my birth mom ever thinks about me?" - I could tell her that absolutely she does. I have walked her journey and can use my experience to help sooth the wonder and curiosity of my daughters. I think it has also helped my feel confident in my relationship with my daughters - if they ever wanted to seek their birth mothers, I would be onboard 100%. 

Rachel:  You wrote a book called FINDING MOTHERHOOD.  What compelled you to put your story on paper?  What has the response been like? 

Jill:  When I found my birth son 7 years ago - he was 22. I had realized that a lot of me feelings of loss and grieving never really got processed. It took me 22 years to open up the "closed drawer of feelings". It took my breath away how much healing I had needed. I needed to grieve the loss of placing a child, then the loss of infertility realizing I would never carry a baby with my husband and then the feelings you go through with adoption - proving you are good enough to be someone's mother. A lot of feelings all at once. I started blogging about it and thought that maybe my story could help someone else - there will always be a scared pregnant teen out there, a couple experiencing infertility and couple who adopt...so my book came to be. I have had such a great response. The stories from people of how they had a hard time conceiving, to others who have been adopted and searching. I love connecting with others who share even part pf my story. 

Rachel:  For someone who is considering adopting a child, what advice do you have? 
  

Jill:  My advice for others adopting.....be patient and have a good pen! You feel lost in paperwork, but it is so worth it!!! Patience is key! It is not your traditional 9 month pregnancy...and if you know that going in, you will feel better. Also one thing I wish ALL adoptive parents knew - especially with closed adoptions - is that when a child searches for their birth parents, it is a normal thing. It has nothing to do with YOU as parents. It is all about finding who they look like, where they come from and learning their story before being adopted. It is for the adoptee about finding that missing piece of the puzzle. I wish all adoptive parents could know that and be supportive to their child if and when that day comes. SO many adult adoptees that I know always say "It would kill my parents if they knew I was searching" or "I don't want to hurt their feelings". It is a normal healthy thing to want to find out your past. 

Rachel: What about for someone who is already parenting and has children who are old enough to ask the "big" and "hard" questions about adoption?   

Jill:  Always BE HONEST. I think more so now a days it is open and talked about. Adoption isn't a big bad scary secret that parents keep anymore. The biggest disservice you can give your child is not being honest about them. Talk openly about it - answer questions the best way the age of the child needs. When I met my birth son my girls were 7 and 9 - of course they knew they were adopted because they are Korean and do not look anything like us. But when I had to talk about the choice I made for my son - I had to tell them in a way they could understand. I simply said some woman can carry a baby in their belly AND be a mommy. Some woman can carry a baby in their belly but aren't ready to a mom - maybe they aren't married or too young to be a good mommy and then there are woman that CAN be a good mommy but not carry a baby in their belly. God matches up people. They understood that. As they got older we would talk more about it. Now that they are teens our conversations are much different - as you can imagine! :) 

Rachel:  What are three things you're loving right now?

Jill: Three things I am loving right now...just 3??? Let's see - a quiet cup of coffee in the morning when the rest of the house is sleeping, sunshine of summer and trying to binge watch shows! I love me some TV!

Dear Sugar: When You're Tired of Being an Adoption Spokesperson

Dear Sugar:

For some of you, adoption is new and exciting.  You might want to talk about adoption to anyone and everyone who asks.  You are proud of your family.   I get it. I've been there.  

But for those who have been on the journey for awhile, sometimes we get to a point where we're tired of being Ms. Adoption Spokesperson.   For one, our family is just that:  our family.  Not our "adoptive" family.  For another, we're just going about our business, busy as every other mom, when someone yet again wants to know THE story.  Finally, the attention (and interrogations) may be upsetting or annoying to our children.   

What is an experienced mom to do when they reach that point of adoption-education burnout?   

1:  Ask your child, the adoptee, what he/she wants.

When a stranger approaches you, AGAIN, with a question or comment or hair-stroking (no, just no), what would your child like to see happen?  Because he or she is at the center of the stranger's questions or comments, so I believe he or she should have the power to decide what happens next. Would the child prefer to speak for himself/herself or prefer you answer?  What type of "answer" should be given, if any?   

2:  Hand the person a card.

If you're a blogger or have worked with an adoption agency you're happy with (and is, of course, ethical), hand over a business card. Say, "It sounds like you're interested in adoption.  You can get more info here."  Then smile and walk away or change the subject.   Usually I can tell if someone is truly interested in adoption (they usually state up-front their adoption connection) vs. just being nosy. Either way, their intent and motivation is irrelevant to what your child wants and needs (point #1). 

3:  Reflect.

Why are you currently annoyed or tired of the questions and comments?  Is there some unresolved feelings?  Are other things going on in your life, and an "interruption" by a stranger is encounter that sets you over the emotional edge?   Whatever it is, find a healthy way to journey through so that your struggles don't negatively impact your child.  

4:  Take a (personal) break.

It's OK not to be ALL about adoption ALL of the time.  If you've been consumed a little too much with your own adoption education, it's OK to take a break or a step back.  Some areas you may be too committed:  online adoption groups, reading about adoption (books, blogs, articles), or attending a support group.   Negative feelings and experiences in these areas can bleed into your personal life, which isn't always helpful or healthy.  

Dear Sugar: It's My Baby's Birthday!

Dear Sugar:

Today is my baby girl's first birthday!  I'm completely head-over-heels for our little queen, affectionately nicknamed Juice. Everywhere we go, people stop in their tracks and can't help but grin. She is sunshine.  She is joy.  She is beauty.  Her siblings cannot get enough of her. 

It feels like it was just yesterday that I shared with you the happy news that we were parents again.  We kept our long match quiet out of respect for her birth family and, if I'm honest, to protect my own hearts.  We were dealing with our own colliding emotions, explaining adoption (again) to our children, including what a match means, while also trying to still live life as normally as possible.

Ali Cummins Photography

In my new book, I talk about what it was like to wait for her.  I did the one thing I said I would NEVER do: fall in love with a baby who wasn't mine.

Sugar, no matter how many times you've adopted, it is never easy or simple or quick. There are always challenges, moments where the bittersweetness is nearly palpable.  If you are person committed to ethics like we are, you work really hard to maintain an ethical distance while also being in the match with your whole heart.  It is such a difficult balance to strike, but it's necessary.  (If you're thinking, what are ethics? What's an ethical adoption?  Please check out my extensive explanation and guidance here.) You want to be able to look your child in the eyes and say:  I did the right things, at the right times, always, no matter how difficult it was.  

Ali Cummins Photography

I do not know what else God has in store for our family.   But my heart is beautifully full right now:  three daughters and a son, all of whom came to our family by domestic, infant, open, transracial adoption, all of which started with a devastating diagnosis.  Our home is loud, oftentimes chaotic, silly.  There are tears and hugs and joys and frustrations.  There's a ton of food: always.  The kitchen dance parties are EPIC.   

These beautiful babies, whom I didn't birth but have the honor of raising, are the most incredible human beings.  I am thankful for their birth parents who chose me to be the kids' mommy.   The privilege of being chosen is something I hold sacred.  

As for today?  It's smooches and a smash cake and presents, all in celebration of our baby girl!  

Dear Sugar: Cultivate, Motherhood by Adoption, and Faith, an Interview with Lara Casey

Dear Sugar,

What do these words have in common?

• Cultivate
• Adoption
• Faith

They're all covered by creator, writer, and mom Lara Casey.

If you haven't met Lara yet, you need to. I have a mad mommy crush on her Instagram account and her new book Cultivate. Lara is the real deal: authentic, passionate, and genuine. I recently had the opportunity to ask her five questions. Enjoy!

Rachel: The #1 thing women seem to struggle with is the relentless pursuit to "do it all."  I personally believe in not doing it ALL, but doing a few things one is passionate about (and doing them well).  Yet, it's difficult.  Women are conditioned to say "yes" (to be polite and willing) at all times, yet doing so leaves us empty and exhausted.  Can we please talk about this?   How do women change the conversation in our own heads from "doing it all" for the sake of others to "doing you" and loving life?  

Lara: I love this question, because answering this will lead us to the root of so much heartache we often experience. Let's look at why we have so much (we perceive) we must do. Often, we load our plates with to-do's that we think we should have because someone else is doing something that we feel will help us find happiness, contentment, or success in the same way as them. Comparison gets us so far off the path we were uniquely created to travel. We see other's lives on social media, or in business, or even in church communities, and we compare our lives to theirs. And as a result, we end up with to-do lists that are filled with things that distract us rather than focus us on our unique priorities. We can't do it all and do it well, but we can choose to cultivate what matters. This means stewarding what we've been given well: our time, our money, our relationships, etc. When we focus on growing what we've been entrusted with, and not what someone else is growing, our lives and time become simplified. It doesn't mean it won't be hard work, but we won't be doing someone else's hard work in the process.

Rachel: Your new book Cultivate has such a simple, beautiful title.  What does "cultivate" mean to you, and how do you manifest this in your own life?

Lara: Cultivate is a rich word that God uses a few times in scripture. The Hebrew word used for “cultivate” in Genesis 2:15 is the same word translated “serve” in Joshua 24:15: “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” Cultivating an intentional life is about serving the Lord for His purposes and growing what matters with Him. For me, cultivating happens when I plant a seed of faith in the hearts of my children through praying for them, telling them what the Lord is teaching me, or loving them and showing them His grace. Cultivating is about digging into the hard soil to plant seeds in faith and grow good things alongside the Lord.

Rachel: The very bottom of your blog quotes 1 John 4:18, "There is no fear in love..."   Why this verse?  What does it teach women?  

Lara: When my husband and I were in a long season of marriage challenges, I feared it was impossible for anything to change. But God made the impossible happen. Sometimes love means taking a leap of faith to believe in what we can't yet see, and that's so much of what I experienced as He put our marriage back together. When I chose to step into the hard stuff with Him, believing in what felt impossible, it's not that He necessarily moved more, but I sure did notice Him more! And that made me bold to keep stepping out on faith. Those steps forward added up.

Rachel: Let's shift gears.  You're a mom by birth and adoption.  My readers are all moms who have adopted, are waiting to adopt, or are considering adoption.  Can you offer a bit of advice or encouragement to those on the adoption journey?  

Lara: I read countless blog posts about all the magical feelings many couples experienced when they brought their new little one home. We certainly felt powerful gratitude (bigger than I can explain in words) when we first held our new little one, but a rooted love for her grew over time. Like in marriage, shared time and experiences build your bond. Bonding wasn't "natural" for us; we were bonded by prayer. Our bond was cultivated. We had just had Joshua six months before adopting Sarah, so we had two new babies at once. The Lord grew so much good out of that sleepless season. Little by little, over time, our family and faith grew. I think having the expectation that there is nothing wrong with you if you don't instantly bond is very healthy--and essential. And it doesn't mean you love your child any less. We are a culture set on overnight results and instant success, and this applies to our families too.

Rachel: What are three things you are loving right now?  (These can be ANYTHING--book, song, food, activity, etc.). 

Lara: I am loving the book, What's Best Next, fresh red peppers from the farmer's market, and watching our kids play together. It's the best!

Dear Sugar: My Two Big Secrets

Ali Cummins Photography

Dear Sugar,

So I’ve been keeping two big secrets.  And as promised, today I’m finally able to “spill the beans” and reveal what’s been going on.  

***Takes big, deep breath***

Be patient with me, dear one.  This takes courage and faith and vulnerability, three things I’m not always very good at. 

Secret #1: 

In April of this year, I found a breast lump.  I wasn’t alarmed, as I’ve had them in the past.  Genetics gave me the “gift” of lumpy, dense boobs.  In fact, I’ve had two lumps removed already, both benign:  mere hiccups in my life plans.  

This time was different. 

I went to my gynecologist who agreed we should do some further testing.  She sent me to get a mammogram and ultrasound.  Both of these took longer than usual, and I was concerned.   However, I got a call the very next day that said that everything looked pretty darn normal.  I should go back in six months and have the tests repeated, just to be safe.   I momentarily breathed a sigh of relief.

But I couldn’t let the feeling go that something was wrong.   Call it a woman’s intuition, a gut feeling, or Jesus telling me to listen to my body: but the nudging was strong. 

I called my gynecologist’s office and told them the lump felt bigger and heavier.   My infant, who is held almost all the time (no shame in "spoiling" my baby girl!), kept head-butting my chest, right where the lump was.  Not to mention, my seat belt and cross-body purse were constantly rubbing over the sensitive area.  It wasn’t just uncomfortable, but it was painful.  It was as if my daughter was telling me:  mom, something's not right. And the straps and seat belts would remind me also.     

The nurse gave me a list of local surgeons and said I could pursue getting additional support.  I immediately called the closest surgeon’s office and set up an appointment.   After meeting the surgeon and having yet another ultrasound, she agreed we should to a biopsy so we could find out what we were dealing with.   I had the biopsy a few days before our family's June vacation.  Two weeks later, I returned to the surgeon’s office.  And that’s when the poop hit the fan. 

No one is ever prepared to be told she has breast cancer.   I sat there on a paper-covered table, covered in a thin, mauve gown, while the surgeon went on to discuss “treatment options” and getting an MRI.  She used big, scary words and shared nail-biting statistics. I don't remember much of what she said to me, but I left that office armed with ten (yes, ten) glossy brochures, all featuring middle-aged and older women on the front and the words BREAST CANCER scrolled across the top in pink, scripted font (as if this was an exclusive party invitation and not a devastating diagnosis).    

A thousand thoughts ran through my mind.  How the hell is this fair?  I already have one disease, and now I get another one?   I have FOUR kids who rely on me for everything.   I’m going to die.   What if I need a mastectomy?   Chemotherapy?  Radiation?  

My summer was spent consumed with appointments, phone calls, tests, and lots and lots of waiting.  Waiting for results, waiting to meet with another medical professional, waiting for my surgery date.

I’m not ready to tell the whole story now.  I don’t have the energy.  I’m still only in my second week of recovery from the treatment option I chose.  I can’t lift my arms above my head, I can’t shower without supervision, I can’t lift or bend over.   I’m in this weird recovery prison where a nurse comes to my house to make sure I’m still kickin’, and people speak to me in soft, gentle voices, as if I'm a fragile toddler who might lose her cool at any minute.  I'm OK about 95% of the time, but the other 5% is hell.   

  

So I’m going to fast forward to the good news:  I learned after my surgery that I went from “a woman with breast cancer” to “a breast cancer survivor.” Meaning:  I am cancer-free.   Praise God!

 

Ali Cummins Photography

 But Rach, you remind me, what’s the other secret? 

Yes, dear reader!   Let’s get to it! 

Secret #2:

As of a few days ago, the book I’ve labored over for months and months, The Hopeful Mom's Guide to Adoption, is now available!   The boob drama delayed the publication of my book, which ended up being a blessing in disguise.  I was able to take a step back from being immersed in the push to publish and make some revisions and add some finishing touches, including this stunning cover that invites you into the world of domestic, infant adoption.   

^^^Click on the image to get details.

Sugar, I wrote this book for the woman who wants to adopt but is standing on shaky ground.  Choosing to adopt isn’t for the faint at heart.  It’s for those willing to have their hearts broken and mended on repeat. There are SO many questions about ethics, open adoption, attachment, choosing an adoption professional, responding to nosy strangers, affording adoption, finding a support group, and more.  I answer them all:  with my whole heart, with my decade of experience, and with YOU in mind.  This is the book I wish I would have had ten years ago.

I invited several ladies from the adoption community to review the book. Here is some of what they said:  

Whew!  If you’ve made it this far into the post, cheers to you! I appreciate your readership:  your love, support, and encouragement.  This detour was certainly unexpected, but it also created space for more friends, more lessons, and more hope. 

 

Ali Cummins Photography

I promise to share more of the story in the future, but for now, I have a good book (wink, wink) to curl up with and so do you!   I can’t wait to hear what you think about it!

Cheers to us, Sugar!